Benefits of Spam

Benefits of Spam

Benefits of Spam
For most of us, spam is a four-letter word. Even when you use military-strength email filters, the stuff just keeps on coming, telling us about wondrous pills, dubious surgical enhancements and dodgy stock market advice. Now, no one in their right mind is ever going to throw good money away on these uninvited offers, but the never-ending stream of garbage acts like the Chinese water torture, slowly eating away at our sanity.
As much as we'd all like to track down and exterminate these spammers, we have to grudgingly admire their incredible optimism. I mean, how many emails would have to be sent before a single customer is lured into the trap: millions... billions... trillions? Most of us would have our spirits crushed by such an enormous rejection rate. But not the spammers, every day they come back for another slap in the face. How do they do it?
For the very first time we can reveal the spammer's closely guarded secret: it's SPAM! No, not spam email, SPAM the food product. All your life you've probably walked right past these innocent-looking cans, never realizing the mighty, untapped potential sitting there on the supermarket shelf. So, how did we work out their dirty little secret?
Two things really: First there's the fact that spam and SPAM are the same word. Just a coincidence? We don't think so. And second, have you ever noticed how spammers use CAPITALS when they want to really get your attention? Well, have a look at how the manufacturers of SPAM, always refer to their product-it's never in lower case! Of course, they will tell you that's because the name is an abbreviation for Spiced Ham, but we know better.
We have no idea what special ingredient has been added to SPAM to give users such an enhanced sense of optimism, but, if it works, who cares? Scientists came up with lots of terrific chemicals in the first half of the twentieth century-DDT, CFCs, PCBs, etc-so, this is probably just another member of that distinguished family.
Evidence of SPAM's positive affect on the psyche was seen during its widespread use by the U.S. military in World War II. How were the Marines able to stay so upbeat when they stormed the beaches of Okinawa and Guadalcanal? And what do you think put the pluck into the plucky British as they endured the Battle of Britain and post-war food shortages? That's right, it was SPAM.
So maybe we should reconsider our opinion of the misguided warriors bombarding our inboxes with spam; after all, they've inadvertently reawakened us to the incalculable benefits of SPAM. Don't let their tireless work go to waste, buy a can of tinned optimism today!
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